What was supposed to be our usual Friday evening, with a take-away and paisa wasool film on Netflix, soon turned into a drag as we could not agree on what to watch. (Yes Netflix, I now blame you for those 10% of disputes). Instead of fighting and spoiling the weekend ahead, I elected to get up and get ready for bed (My bedtime routine is a ritual in its own). Soon my spouse also turned off the tv and picked up another project to fiddle with. You see, after 20 years of being together, we have figured out what works for us when we are getting upset. We leave each other alone and come back when we are refreshed. Not all arguments need to be long-worded heated and vocal. Sometime the silently walking away is the way to go. So coming back to the title: Can a marriage be Perfect?
Marriage Is NOT A Competition
Can a marriage be perfect? It took us a while to realize and acknowledge that it isn’t. Working towards a successful married required both of us to grow up and isolate our ego from our anger. 9 out of 10 times, it turned out to be a matter of ego rather than a real issue.
When I talk to newly married couples (mainly the poor souls within our extended family who are stuck listening to this ‘Appa’), I always remind them that you are not in competition. Once you realize that, you will find each other working together. A husband asking his wife if he wants to go out with friends, or a wife asking her husband if she can buy something is not a show of control and power. Rather, it shows care and concern for the partner. So this enforces the concept that you can work to make your marriage into the perfection you seek.
Marriage Is Accommodation
I have to acknowledge my own short-comings to understand the accommodation that my husband has done for me. Same goes the other way around. This could be something habitual or apparel. It is not necessary that both partners may be on the same mental-accommodation level at the same time. However, if one shows accommodation through reassurance, the other follows suit.
I remember when I got married, my very good friend, and a married intelligent lady (Yes Aliya Jaani YOU) advised me to be compassionate and willing to listen for 7 years. I tried my best to follow and understand that advice. And surprisingly it worked well for us because we both listened and showed compassion to one another.
Many would say; why do it for 7 years? Take a stand the first day! Well, in all honesty I think we women are naturally adaptable to accommodate and build relationships. Men on the other hand, learn with time. Being stubborn from the get-go leads to an unannounced competition. Sometime being accommodating leads to your own success.
Marriage Takes Work
There is no such thing as a fairytale marriage. Every marriage takes work, time and patience. Never look at another couple and tell your spouse off in comparison. This leads to resentment within your own relationship and long-lasting scars that may not be undone.
Always focus on the bigger picture, rather than the small stuff. Don’t take offense to small things that are different from how it was before marriage. Each spouse needs to understand that their counter-part needs time to adjust and accommodate. Work toward a marriage that works for you.
So can a marriage be Perfect? Depends really on your definition of what ‘perfect’ is.
This post is based on my own opinions and thoughts.
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